Category Archives: Humor

Welcome to Sucktown- Tucson’s Losing Tradition

Tucson sports are in the toilet (and I am not just referring to the stink that surrounds their chosen locale.)  The former territorial capitol took several more steps toward the complete collapse of all athletic programs associated with the city this week as it now appears that several baseball programs have decided that it is time to pack their gear for greener pastures.

With the Arizona Diamondbacks’ Cactus League affiliate, the Tucson Sidewinders, already having announced a move to Reno, NV when their contract is up at the end of this season, the Chicago White Sox this week announced that they are looking to move their Spring Training home North to Goodyear at the earliest convenience as well.  The only question I have regarding this new information is, can anyone blame them?

For evidence that Tucson athletics’ esprit d’corps are currently at an all-time low, one need look no further than the sign which Arizona Tribune writer, Scott Bordow, recently witnessed workers erecting just inside city limits along I-10 stating, “Welcome to Tucson. Kick me.”

Indeed with the University of Arizona Wildcats having come off a year that marked their football teams third consecutive loss to their hated rival, Arizona State, and closing in on a decade without a bowl bid, the UofA athletics program suffered further hardships as both their men’s and women’s basketball teams were swept by the Sun Devils this season.

Adding insult to injury, the Wildcats’ recent loss of several top football recruits (Ryan Bass-RB, Jarrell Barbour-WR, Gerell Robinson-WR) to ASU after having received verbal commitments from all three spurred coach Mike Stoops to make what was probably his worst mistake since hiring his idiot brother to the team’s coaching staff.  Stoops is still feeling the heat from his scathing comment, made in response to the renegging of the recruits, that Arizona State has “turned into a JC school.”  A JC school, Mr. Stoops?  It would appear to me that ASU is one JC with which your pride-and-joy is incapable of competing both on the playing field and in the AD’s office.

With the steady decline of Tucson’s collegiate athletics and the closest thing the city has ever known to the professional ranks heading North to Maricopa County faster than Mexican drug-runner, one can only wonder what possible pride is left in town.

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So, as doubt continues to grow around the intelligence of Gadsden’s famous purchase, the people of Tucson can still find some solace that their city has one nice asset– the view North up I-10 towards hospitable confines of the Valley of the Sun.

 

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Tucson Sucks!

UofA Sucks!!

GO DEVILS!!!

‘A Boy and His Dog:’ One Man’s Review

This was one of those movies that had slipped under my movie-watching nerd radar for many years but after finding it streaming on the web the other day I decided to finally dedicate the 90 minutes it required.  As a result, I was very pleased with my decision;a_boy_and_his_dog.jpg Time well spent.

The setting.  It is the future (somewhere around 2032, I believe) and the world has been destroyed after World War IV (and apparently a lot of Kennedys in the White House.)  The city of Phoenix, AZ has been reduced to a desolate, smelly wasteland which has become uninhabited save for a few ignorant, rape-crazed thugs roaming the desert (much like Tucson, AZ in our current time.)

The plot.  Vic is a loaner wandering the desert with his dog, Blood, with whom he can communicate telepathically (of course.)  Blood acts as a female-finder who sniffs out females, in a world that has become a bigger sausage-fest than a UofA frat party, for Vic in exchange for the food that Vic, as the human, can steal.   This is the type of movie, however, whose plot somewhat defies relation in the written word (certainly in as few words as I intend to write on the subject) and so suffice it to say that having a wise-ass, telepathic dog in your story can never be a poor decision.

The Commentary: Not necessarily a huge Don Johnson fan myself, I thought that Ol’ Sonny Crockett played the part of Vic very effectively and had some excellent back-and-forth ‘dialog’ with Blood.  I have often heard this movie compared with A Clockwork Orange but, for the most part, it reminded me a lot more of Repo Man (perhaps due to the character similarities between Vic (Johnson) and Otto (Estevez) from Repo Man.)  Once Vic ventures into the bizarre underground world things do become a bit more acid-trippy and reminiscent of the aforementioned Kubrick film but these scenes occur very late in A Boy and His Dog and appear in rather stark contrast to what has been a very Mad Max type of movie up to that point.  The last line is truly what defines this movie and if you like the line, you will like A Boy and His Dog, if not… well, good luck to you.

The Verdict: I will rate the film using the standard Bruce Campbell (BC) scale.  A Boy and His Dog was very entertaining and, moreover, my kind of cult movie.  It’s probably not for everyone but, then again, what is? I give it four out of five BCs and a proud pat on the back.

The Bruce Campbell Scale of Film Excellence:

bruce-campbell.jpgbruce-campbell.jpgbruce-campbell.jpgbruce-campbell.jpg  / 5

PSA – “Dictated But Not Read is from What Movie”

In checking my blog stats over the past week, I have noticed that many of the hits I receive each day (approx 20%) come from people searching either for the term “Dictated but not Read” or from people searching for something to the effect of “Dictated but not read is from what movie.”

I can only assume that the click-throughs that I get from this latter group of search results are from people attempting to discover the origin of a certain line from a film and who, consequently, are disappointed by the lack of answers in the content within. Well, we here at the Dictated blog aim to please so, in addition to providing some of the most provocative editorials on the web, we will now also supply the answers to your questions about movie quotes.

I can only assume that the movie from which people are recalling the phrase “Dictated but not read” is the 2004 Wes Anderson film, “The Life Aquatic: with Steve Zissou” starring Bill Muarray, Owen Wilson, and Anjelica Huston.life_aquatic_with_steve_zissou.jpg

The phrase in question occurs in the film when Ned Plimpton (Wilson) presents a letter he received in reply to one he wrote to Zissou (Murray) as a child. The response from Zissou is rather generic and capped-off at the end with the notation that it has been “dictated but not read” adding to general lack of personal interest being shown in the text.

So, there you have it. Let it never be said that we give nothing back to the community and, to that end, I would like to offer up the special skills of the staff of Dictated: But Not Read. If anyone else out there in cyberspace has any movie quotes to which they can not quite put a title, send a question our way and I guarantee that we will be able to help. (Note: Not an actual guarantee– but we will do our best.)

Not to Belittle the Dead But…

…that is exactly what I am about to do.

Some graduate student in England (not that we should hold that against him) recently killed himself playing a drinking game.  Get this, he and his “mates” were mimicking a game which they first saw being played in the movie ‘American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile.’  How much of a loser do you have to be to attend graduate school and yet also not only watch an idiotic movie like that but attempt to recreate it as well?

I clicked on the article about this guy because the link said something about a student dying from an ‘American Pie’ drinking game.  I thought to myself, I don’t even recall the characters in ‘American Pie’ playing any drinking games but apparently I had forgotten that I saw the original movie and, unfortunately, the sequel as well.  I did not, however, see any of the endless parade of other spin-offs that followed.  I thought about going to see ‘American Wedding’ briefly but then realized that there was no need to go spend $15 at the movie theater when I could just beat my head against the wall at home and achieve the same sensation as I would watching that film.  They should make warning labels for movies that bad.

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Why Eugene Levy has shackled his career to so many of these movies is beyond me (… oh wait, money.  I forgot.)  Either way, its a good thing that, as a Jew, you do not believe in Hell, Mr. Levy, because if you were a Catholic I am certain the Pope would have damned you to there long ago for your role in the perpetuation of the ‘American Pie’ series of films.

The father of the young man who died was quoted as saying, “Every shot that David took was like another bullet.”  It was?  That seems like a pretty poor comparison.  I mean, was this kid a complete light-weight or something?  If I take six shots of tequila I will be pretty intoxicated but still able to function; if someone were to unload a .38 revolver into my gut I think I would probably be in markedly worse shape.

Slovenian Chicken Risotto–It’s made of PEOPLE!

Be careful when dining in the hospital cafeteria in Izola, Slovenia… or perhaps you should be more careful as a patient at this hospital since you might just end up on the cafeteria anyway.

A doctor recently sent a mysterious piece of meat, which he found in the cafeteria’s chicken risotto, away for testing after adamantly decrying it not to be chicken.  Indeed the doc was correct and the secret ingredient, in this case, turned out to be a human tongue.  The hospital brass believes it is possible that a doctor could have, “unwittingly dropped the tongue in the food after treating a patient.”

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No, this doesn’t look good at all.  A clear case of Beef Wellington if I have ever seen one.

First of all, the term ‘treating the patient’ is a bit euphemistic here, don’t you think?  It was a human tongue!  He was not treating a patient; he was cutting someone’s tongue off!  All that aside, why would he take it with him?  I know Slovenia probably is not the archetype of medical science or hygiene but why would a doctor pocket a tongue and go to lunch with it.  The only possible reason that I can see for it, would be to do exactly what he did, and put it into the chicken risotto.

The most shocking line of the whole story for me, however, was not the bit above about how the management thinks a doctor could have unknowingly dropped a patient’s tongue into the daily special, but rather the spin from the hospital’s spokesman, “I can say clearly that we never used patients’ parts in any of our dishes.”

…but one of your own doctors just proved that you had human tongue in the chicken risotto.  So, unless this guy is implying that he knows the source of the human tongue and that it came from someone who was not a patient, I think I would say with crystal clarity that they have used patients’ parts in their dishes (at least once.)  And hey, when it happens once, can we ever really be sure it won’t happen again?  I am not sure how appetizing the idea of chicken risotto from the cafeteria in a Slovenian hospital sounds to begin with, and that before you learn that there might be a human tongue in it.

I’ll stick with Chinese food… at least then I can be sure what kind of meat I am eating: cat (or kitten if it’s the really good stuff.)

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Mmm… Free-range Mu-Shu Pork!

Be Cool… Buy a Mac!

You want to be cool.  Trust me, you do.  Lucky for you, we live in an age when preferred social status is just a few hundred bucks and a trip to the Apple store away.

Seriously, what is it with the BS marketing by Apple and all the resulting BS techno-babble that results when their simple-minded consumer base can’t seem to find anything better to do than prattle on and on about the greatness of their purchases?

Honestly, I think it’s just the shock that Apple’s group of flunkies found themselves capable of creating a halfway-decent product for the first time in three decades.  For the majority of my life, Apple has always represented the dumbed-down, idiot-proof side of the computing world (sort of the AOL of hardware, if you will.)  If you were too stupid or your needs too simple to justify buying a real computer, you bought a Mac.  At least they were still a company who was trying to sell their product based on its actual functional merits at that point though.

Then came those stupid iMacs.  A CPU and a monitor housed in a plastic case colored to look like a deformed creamsicle?  Please stand-by while I wet myself in excitement.

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Then there was the iPod, the iBook, the iPhone, and the iBex… no wait, scratch that last one.  That would be the Mac version of a Siberian mountain goat (and let’s not give them any ideas for new product development.)

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Damn, I was too late.

Either way, it was around that point that the company started advertising their products not as faster, more efficient, or really better in any way.  Macs were simply advertised as being cooler than the alternative.

Every niblet of information about a Mac product became infused with euphemisms and buzz-words that all implied that Apple users were somehow chic, edgy, or otherwise anointed as the leading edge of some new social movement.  With the iMacs it was always “They looks so cool.”  No they don’t; they look like packaged frozen dairy treats (as previously noted.)

For the first several years after its release, all I ever heard from iPod users was, “The interface is so intuitive.”  Intuitive?  Do these people even have a concept of the meaning of that word?  What aspect of the stupid dial on the front of an iPod is intuitive?  If you want to move down the list of songs, dial clockwise.  To move up the list, counter-clockwise.  Easy to use?  Yes, but not all that innovative and certainly not intuitive.  If the interface of the iPod actually worked on intuition, then there would be no physical interface on the device.  The iPod would simply divine which song you wanted to hear and play it without any input from the user at all.

Now the stupid iPhone is all the rage and I cannot turn on the television or go out in public without being bombarded with idiots espousing the greatness of their fancy new phone.  All the iPhone owners want to tell me how, “It’s like having an iPod, a cell phone, and an internet browser all in one.”  Really?  So, you mean it has the exact same functions as 95% of all cell phones sold in the past three years with the added bonus of requiring all updates and maintenance to come from Apple and all music added to the device to first be changed into some stupid format using more of Apple’s proprietary software… and I will look totally cool if I own one?  Wow!  Now all I need is some friends so I can call them and be seen using my cool phone in public.

Every time Apple releases a new product it’s like rush week in some idiotic fraternity where the only way to ensure you have friends is to run out and buy exactly what everyone else is buying as soon as humanly possible.

Perhaps the pinnacle of Apple’s campaign to become the epitome of coolness though is their latest batch of television advertisements.  I will admit that the two guys who stand against a white backdrop and proclaim in turn, “I’m a PC” and “I’m a Mac” were amusing the first time I saw one of these ads… maybe even the second one I saw invoked a light chuckle from me… but things have gotten out of hand now.

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I get it.  The Mac is hip and cool; the PC is nerdy and lame.  It’s the same message you have used in every one of these commercials just stated in a slightly different way.  The thing is, computers (regardless of who makes them) are not cool.  I work with computers all day and then waste countless hours using them in my free-time every evening and not once have a I ever sat down at a keyboard and thought, “Now it’s time for me to really look smooth.”

Have you ever gotten a date because of your computer?  Have you ever gotten laid because your CPU came in a colored plastic case as opposed to a metal one?  Have you ever heard someone utter the words, “Damn, I’ve got to party with that guy, he owns an iBook”?  No.  Of course you haven’t.  Nobody has or ever will hear that about their computer.  You can’t make it sexy like a Ferrari or a $500k Rolex because, at the end of the day, it is still a computer, it still is not cool… and neither are you.

Goat Saves Plane, Dies in the Name of Appeasement

In what some would consider to be an unusual step, the Nepalese state airline recently sacrificed two goats in an effort to restore a decrepit commuter aircraft. The goats met their divine fate in an attempt to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, and thus restore an aging 757 to a safer operating status.

I am not one to call into question the effectiveness of animal sacrifice (and certainly not one to doubt the wrath of a sky god) but a standard pre-flight check and general aircraft maintenance regimen would certainly make me fly a little easier than the spilling of goat blood.

Nor am I usually one to applaud the efforts of America’s government-run regulatory agencies but I believe that the FAA does a pretty bang-up job when it comes to airline safety. Although, to be fair, I have never heard what kind of numbers the FAA puts up in the hoofed-animals sacrifice department so I suppose we cannot judge too hastily.

Afterall, I found a picture if Akash Bhairab:

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Someone find a goat and a knife–quick!