Al Gore: Savior To His Own World

It seems that Al Gore has had a real solution to global warming all along. All the doubts I have had hearing these speeches about how we need to save the Earth so our children’s children’s children’s what-have-you will not have to live in a rotting cesspool of a planet; Gore really did have a plan all along. A brilliant one at that!

We don’t need to save the glaciers… or the rain-forests. We don’t need to cut down on Styrofoam use and CFCs… or even buy those hybrid-vehicles which make their owner’s feel that warm sense of self-worth all over. All we need to do to save our future generations the pain of living in a polluted world of sweeping planetary warming and ice ages is to ensure that these future generations never come to be. And how do we do that, you ask? Simple…

Mr. Gore has taken the approach of spending his son’s formative years battling for his own unachieved political greatness and, failing in that endeavor, sinking into a slow mental and physical descent of increasingly crazy doomsday theories and general obesity. The result: a son who was just plead guilty to possession of marijuana and several other illicit substances. Of course the most remarkable aspect of Al-3’s little drug-binge was that the cops found his stash in his car when he was pulled over, on the Fourth of July, doing 100-mph in his Toyota Prius. (That’s not a joke; read the article.) I’ve never driven a Prius personally (I’m a man afterall) but I am guessing that young Mr. Gore may have slipped his little Toyota a few of his uppers to achieve that speed.

I suppose we will soon see just how stalwart is the resolve of elder Gore’s now that his son so clearly needs some parental guidance in his life. Afterall, in the House of Gore, this little slip-up goes much deeper than a narcotics charge. If Gore III is smoking anything, just think how that is increasing his carbon footprint. Open flames, butane lighters, burning plants! This kid might as well be slashing and burning his own personal rain-forest every time he lights up (and I doubt that the Earth-friendly Prius is achieving peak fuel-efficiency pulling 100-mph.)

Al “Tokyo Drift” Gore III

How are so many people blind to the overt hypocrisy in man’s attempt to negate his own planetary impact by taking even greater strides into the scientific unknown? If you honestly believe that mankind’s ‘carbon footprint’ over the past few thousand years has had that great of an impact on a global scale then how do you justify grandiose attempts to blanket the ice caps, churn the seas, and change to new fuel sources overnight? If we have really set our own planet on the path to a new cycle of warming and cooling (as it has gone through before) then humans have merely played their role in another chapter of Earth’s existence and, whether our species survives or not, our planet has a far greater ability to achieve homeostasis than we have to off-set it.

I am not saying that we, as a species, should uniformly turn into the Armageddon skid and torch our world beyond recognition like so many thousands of parked cars into the Paris night. If we do, mankind will undoubtedly destroy itself in record time. But does anyone really believe that the answers to the vast mysteries of Earth’s climatological ebbs and flows are going to be spewed from the mouth of this guy?

Al Gore talks a good game about saving the world for our children’s children but that it not his real interest. This is a man who, after failing in his quest for the Presidency, has consistently used his political clout to establish himself as a leader in an already growing social movement, thereby maintaining some pathetic grasp on his dwindling time in the social spotlight. Mr. Gore, after seeing his little moment at Live Earth, appears far more interested in saving his own place in the world epic than he does in saving the world itself. The only future generations Al is interested in seeing are those who will erect monuments to his greatness.

(footnote: This article is tagged ‘internet’ due to Al Gore having invented the internet.)

He Got What He Deserved

Are there any better arguments against gun control than stories like this one?

This dirtbag breaks into a 93 year-old man’s home to steal his few modest possessions, beats the old guy over fifty times with a soda can… and then the homeowner regains consciousness and blasts the guy in the throat with his .38 special while he is ransacking the house.

Translation: What’s mine is yours.

Score one for gun-toting, self-defense-minded Americans everywhere. It’s just too bad that stories like this one rarely make even the back pages of the main-stream media while we are flooded with an unending torrent of gang-shootings and moronic high-school kids whose parents thought that ‘gun-control’ meant passing laws when it is really teaching your children that shooting up your school-mates is not the proper way to respond when someone gives you a wedgie.

The best part of the whole home-invasion-gone-awry story though… when the cops showed up and found the beaten, bloody old man and his assailant with the fresh tracheotomy, the thug told the cops, “I can’t feel my legs and I got what I deserved.”

You said it, buddy.

Al Qaeda Rolls Out Hot New Look for Summer!

Ladies…just in time for Ramadan (actually several months early,) it’s the Burqini!

That’s right, now even the most extreme zealots can swim in style with the world’s first bikini for Muslim women. Whether it’s a day at the beach or an afternoon relaxing by the pool, now Islamic women can do either and run only a moderate to high risk that they will be stoned to death for being so disrespectful. Not to mention that with those sexy tan-lines you’ll develop around your face, wrists, and ankles you will be the envy of, well… no one because that’s as much skin as you will ever show in Islamic society.

I noticed that the Burqini comes in three different styles- slim-, modest-, and (my personal favorite) active-fit. Just how ‘active’ can a woman consider herself to be when she has to wear something that looks like this even to go for a swim or relax at the beach?

Certainly the ‘active’ aspect of it is not intended to ease a Muslim woman’s transition from poolside relaxation to anything as radical as suffrage or any semblance of equal rights as these are still forbidden under Sha’ria law in many Islamic nations (in spite of their stunning advances in penitent swimwear.) More likely, it is designed for today’s jihadist on-the-go who just cannot find the time to change clothes between the morning swim and the afternoon homicide bombing.

Maybe we could get Victoria’s Secret working on something sexy for these ladies to wear to bed. Full-body multi-layered teddies, bras and panties emblazoned with the crescent moon, the homicide-bomber garter-belt, etc. They could call it ‘Islam-gerie’ and then instantly kill any woman seen purchasing it for her insolence.

Boogeyman!

In anticipation of The Simpsons movie opening this weekend, one of my all-time favorite clips:

Terror Threat Level : Yellow American

Great; this is just great.

First it was the knives and box-cutters they said “No” to on the plane– Fine; it made sense.

Then I was taking my shoes off because some moron who looks like Bullwinkle Moose tried to light his Nike’s on fire–Deal with it; a small price to pay for a beloved cartoon character.

Must’ve got the wrong shoes, Rock!

Then it was the liquids, gels, creams, and pretty much anything else of mine that the TSA guys want and which I cannot scientifically prove to be in either a solid or gaseous state– Whatever; you can have the last two ounces of my root beer and the foot deodorizing cream. The general public has to draw the lines somewhere though and, personally, I draw it at cheese.

Yes indeed, cheese seems to be the latest in the terrorists repertoire of aviation smuggle-ables and, if the past five years have provided us with any indication, will soon be the latest casualty in Al Qaeda’s unending struggle to plague the Western world’s commercial air-travelers with an ever-increasing number of minor inconveniences.

Evidence of Al Qaeda’s new weapons cache- somewhere deep inside in Switzerland.

Since late September 2006, America’s crack-squad of nearly high-school educated TSA security screeners have intercepted passengers carrying: two ice packs filled with a clay and encased in duct-tape; checked baggage with a plastic bag (apparently this would-be terrorist didn’t realize you only need the quart-sized bags for carry-on) which contained 9-volt batteries, wires, and a block of “brown clay-like minerals” and pipes; as well as a several dairy aficionados carrying everything ranging from metal coils to electrical switches to cell phone chargers- all wired or somehow attached to various blocks of cheese.

Apparently those crafty jihadists have figured out that cheese looks similar to certain explosive materials under x-ray scrutiny as well as providing a tasty in-flight snack once you remove the 9-volts and duct-tape.

I do not mean to make light of some of the real American losses from international terrorism. Obviously the knife ban is a result of the tragedy of 9/11 and there are probably very few who who have voiced any opposition to this policy.

The liquid/cream/gel fiasco was all due to an attempt, foiled months before the conspirators were to take action, to sneak gelatinous explosives onto an airliner. Thankfully no one was ever in any real danger but the resulting ban did cause numerous airport businesses, past their respective security check-points, to shut-down permanently. This was a hit to American business and free enterprise, but isn’t there a point where we have to stop the blanket prohibition of everyday items or run the risk of permanently losing our personal rights as Americans?

Wouldn’t it be a more logical approach to play the odds on this one? (Not like Tim Donaghy did.) The handful of idiots (they were conspiring with federal agents) who would have attempted to get a gel explosive past the TSA represent a minuscule fraction of a minority of the people who bring liquids, etc. on U.S. flights each day, month, year, whatever.

Not that one explosive getting through is acceptable, but how about focusing on a much better bet in the terrorist department. Rather than checking everyone with a tube of Colgate, how about focusing on groups of people like Arabs, Muslims, or Arab-Muslims since virtually every terrorist act in the past four decades in America and abroad has been conceived, planned, and carried out by members of one of these groups.

Note that the article listed above makes no mention of the ethnicity, home-nation, or religious fanaticism of choice of those attempting to sneak these ‘fake-bombs’ through security. The writer is, in fact, specifically ambiguous when it comes to addressing whether they were American citizens vs. foreign nationals stating simply that each suspicious package was carried by a ‘couple’ or a ‘U.S. person’ which is quickly defined as “either a citizen or foreigner legally here.”

Perfect! There is another piece of intel for the ‘racial profiling’ notes. The suspected terrorists are, as they were on 9/11 and virtually every subsequent attempt, legally here. So people who are rightfully here are just as likely (or perhaps more-so) to attempt to launch terrorist attacks on our air travel industry. But I’ll bet you Dinars to doughnuts that every one of these geniuses trying to board a flight with a couple 9-volt batteries lashed to a block of Gouda would have been caught in the oppressive net of ‘racial profiling’ long before they ever found the cheese-shop.

Donaghy and Pop – Two Peas In a Dirty Pod

Let me just start by saying this. If anyone reading this has any sort of blueprints or inside knowledge of Tim Donaghy’s house, let me know. If anyone reading this knows how to contact some of the more ‘persuasive’ members of the Gambino family; let me know. I am not saying I want to see the man dead, just that I might like to see these two groups of people get together and have a little talk.

 

Can anyone honestly believe that the words ‘witness-protection program’ even came up in the same article that opens the world’s eyes to what a scumbag this guy is? He has refereed over 200 games in the past few years (not to mention being plastered all over the television and internet right now) and there are a lot of people out there ready to toss some blame his way of lost dreams of glory and high gambling stakes (he can relate) whether he was even responsible that night or not.

Speaking of those people, and a game where he most certainly was responsible for the outcome, was Game 3 of the 2007 Suns-Spurs play-off series. Try the link, someone has put together a real nice video compilation together. For a Suns fan who watched that game in utter horror, despite having witnessed similar officiating debacles against this very Spurs team several times before, that these calls were being made… and the national broadcast crew was finally calling the refs out on it live… the revelation of Donaghy’s crimes comes with a certain feeling of redemption.

Everyone saw it and even Bill Simmons and ESPN were crying foul when it came to the excessive and seemingly one-sided foul calls. I do not believe that Coach Popovich is blameless in the under-handed play in that series either. In retrospect, the shoulder check that Robert Horry dealt to Steve Nash was almost certainly a Pop call to accomplish exactly what was accomplished. Hit the Suns MVP team-leader into the boards with a shot from a much bigger guy and clear the Suns bench (particularly their big-men) onto the floor where they can be repremanded by the refs and the league. None of Pop’s minions left their bench that time (although they sure did earlier in the game) because they all knew what was going to happen– they all knew the plan.

I am not saying Coach Popovich had inside knowledge into how the calls were going to go or how the league would rule that scenario because of Donaghy or anyone else. I’m not saying that he didn’t either. Regardless, Pop is a dirty coach with a team of floppers and dirty players. I am just waiting for that book that is going to come out somewhere eight to ten years down the line from someone in the Spurs organization (player or otherwise) detailing the brainwashing or whatever it is that Pop must put these guys through to get them play that way. Maybe not… maybe he just hand-picked a team of dirty players.

The End of REAL Basketball

It is undeniable that the NBA has shown a marked decline in the caliber of competitive basketball in recent years. The lockout shortened 1998-99 season led to a decrease in fan-loyalty and, as a result, Commissoner Stern took a tighter grasp on the league and instituted some changes he perceived to be steps to increase fanbase.

Stern’s alterations took the shape of everything from on-the-court rule changes to make the game more exciting (e.g. eliminating illegal defense and adding a defensive three-second rule) to moves to improve league image (e.g. off-court dress code for players and requiring draft entrants to attend college.) All of these decisions to change the game of American professional basketball were met with mixed reactions at best. The former led to the rise of the ‘two-man game’ dominating the NBA for a half-decade and turned the game into a mirror image of NCAA ball. The latter brought dear Mr. Stern mostly cries of prejudice and racial discrimination.

Yet the predominant changes to NBA basketball in the past decade have been far more social than administrative. Game action corrected itself to a large degree after Stern’s rule changes as the impressive passing and overwhelming teamwork of squad’s like the Mike D’Antoni Phoenix Suns overcame the two-man offense and rose to prominence. The massive and continuing influx of European players into the American game, however, is already showing a far greater impact on the court.

The majority of European (and though there are as yet fewer of them, South American) players, grow up playing soccer rather than basketball. It is a basic fact that soccer still dominates the global sports scene and is a far easier game to just pick-up and learn in poorer nations.

Soccer, not to its discredit, is a game of flopping. Soccer players flop because the clock never stops. If a soccer defender falls over waiving his arms in a sad attempt to draw a non-existent foul the ref can simply not blow his whistle and play continues, putting the flopper at a distinct disadvantage (which in certain nations means ‘Colombian Neck-Tie” time!) The soccer referee’s ability to simply rule ‘no foul’ when one player unexpectedly goes sprawling is what allows players to flop without destroying competitive play.

This is not the case, however, in basketball. If the ball-handler drives the lane and someone (either he or the defender) flops to the hardwood, the ref must blow his whistle. In basketball, significant contact between ball-handler and defender is always a foul because it is a violation on either one party or the other.

When you introduce (not to sound too Darwinian here) a massive torrent of players who grew up and learned sports where flopping is a part of the game one can only assume them to continue to flop. An overexaggerated flop will generally draw the foul on one’s opponent if only for the fact that a foul must be called and the poor sap on his back appears to be the one who has been wronged. This is particularly problematic in an American game which is based around the ability to bump and swat one’s opponent with a certain degree of leeway (as it adds to the excitement… are you listening, Mr. Stern?)

None of this is to imply that European basketball is not without its merit but simply that the European style of play, when mixed into the American game, is impossible to officiate justly. As the continual improvement of foreign nation’s basketball programs undoubtedly means further emigration of players from ’soccer-nations,’ there seems only one clear solution to salvage NBA basketball and, sadly, it means David Stern making another change.

Something must be done about the officiating of the NBA. Everything with that dirtbag Tim Donaghy and the haze of doubt he has left over the outcomes of innumerable NBA games in recent years (most notably the Suns-Spurs 2006-07 playoff series) aside, the real problem is not the refs but the rules.

The rules currently used to govern fouls in the NBA were fine before the all the Oscar-worthy actors like Manu Ginobli and Tony Parker arrived on the scene; but they are here now and something needs to be done. There are many viable solutions to consider: institute a flopping foul, make it a technical, actually crack down on all the complaining for a whole season rather than the first week… whatever. Try something now before it is too late. (Anyone watched the NHL lately?)

Perhaps the first change the NBA needs to make is to oust Commissioner Stern. This midget captain has been going down with the ship for far too long and I say it’s time the league jettisons Der Commisar and lets someone else right the ship. If nothing else it will mean we won’t have to watch him waddle his stubby little legs out to the podium 30 times next draft night.

Michael and Marcus Vick: A Good Case for Dual Fratricide

Well maybe that is coming off a little hard on Marcus. Afterall, the only thing he has ever been guilty of is plying underage girls with alcohol, statutory rape, sexual battery, fraud, numerous counts of driving under the influence of various illicit substances, and pulling a hand-gun on a some teenagers in a McDonald’s parking lot (that last one was within a week of baby Vick’s being dismissed from Virginia Tech after racking up nearly as many police bookings as he did touchdowns during his distinguished career at that institute of higher learning.)

In spite of all that I suppose Marcus can breathe a sigh of relief this week as he apparently no longer holds the “Bad Boy” title in the Vick family. I still doubt it will help his odds in the NFL. Indeed it seems a bevy of DUIs and various other unsavory acts apparently pales in the court of public opinion when juxtaposed with animal abuse.

Personally, I think Michael Vick is a human piece of trash but the whole animal abuse thing seems blown way out of proportion. Why is it that people are so quick to jump on the dog-fighting issue? I agree that it is inhuman; but so are dogs.

I do not support or even condone dog fighting but the majority of society seems to imagine dog fights where their toy poodle is being pitted against the neighbors slobbering idiot Golden Retriever. The truth is that the dogs in these fights are massive, fanged beasts which have been bred to fight and kill. That does not make the situation any better but it does seem that so many of these people who would label dog-fighters as the most vile filth of the earth are the very same people who would not allow you to move into their community with your docile, pet pit-bull no matter how cute, cuddly, and good-with-the-kids as he may be.

Michael Vick is a scumbag partially because he is an animal-abusing low-life but predominantly because he is blind to his own success. This man was born into a dirt-poor family living in a Southern housing project and yet he rose to become one of the highest-paid, most highly-touted talents in the American athletic pantheon. He achieved great things despite his humble beginning yet was unable to maintain the most basic semblance of human decency required to retain this status.

Once you have reached the elite plateau in American society that Michael Vick had, all you really need to do play damage control and maintain what you have. The fans who made him the star he is are fine with a certain degree of debauchery; just don’t be an idiot about it.

Michael Vick is a piece of trash because he has lived and rebuked the American dream and now he expects unmittigated absolution for his misdeeds. The real lesson he will learn here is that, no matter what happens in the legal system, the court of public opinion in America is far harsher in its rulings and a great deal more influential when it comes to one’s ability to earn and retain wealth when you make your living off the sweat of your ego.